I was going through some old folders on my computer and came across a letter I wrote to Son the night before he turned 18. Turning 18 was also his golden birthday. I remember the fear and excitement on that eve. Thinking about how I felt emotionally and physically 18 years before at the moment in time. I had a lot of trouble getting Son into this world and it took a lot of scientific intervention. As I sat down and put words down, tears flowed down my cheeks. Tears for all the years of not only struggle but triumph.
As I sit here on the eve of your 18th birthday, I think of how I felt 18 years ago at this very moment. I was so full of joy and excitement .. and pretty nervous. I was worried I wouldn’t be a good mom. I had wanted this special gift so badly. And you arrived. There has not been one day that has passed that I am not grateful for you as my son.
I’m thinking of all that we have been through and that we have grown up together. When you were born I was instantly in love, everything was absolutely perfect. Not saying I wasn’t scared to death about being a parent, oh boy was I scared. I had no clue what I was doing. But the love and joy I felt with you were unimaginable. You loved to rock with me. We would rock and rock and I felt like I was the luckiest mom alive. Sometimes I would just come into your room and watch you sleep. I am so grateful.
Being your mom has not always been easy, but I would not trade one day for anything in the world. I felt more emotions than I thought possible. I have worried and wondered if I have been a good mom. Have you been happy? Do you feel fulfilled? Do you get enough time with me? Do you feel important? Am I doing what I can to make good memories for you? Do you know that I love you even though we argue about things or I get frustrated? You are love and all the amazing things in my life. When you’re sad, I’m sad. When you’re happy, I’m happy. When you hurt, I hurt. When you feel joy, I feel joy.
Overall these years, I have seen you grow and overcome so many things. We have been through a lot together. You have such a kind and heartfelt view of life. You have an amazing personality, are funny, and you make everyone you meet smile. You are sensitive. You always find the good in everything and everybody. As you move to your next phase of life, I hope I have given you what you can use to help with the things ahead of you. I appreciate your honesty, even when it’s hard.
As you get older and older the realization that “our time” together daily is getting shorter and shorter. Right now you have school, as you get out more your friend circle will get bigger, hopefully, you find a career that you love, and someday that special person that steals your heart.
I literally lay awake at night wondering what your future holds, and did I go over this or that … did you listen, will you remember? You are responsible for what happens in your life. Eventually, you will not need me as often, and as hard as it is to say that’s how life is supposed to go. You will have to take care of yourself, which is why I get on you so much and have certain expectations for you. This next year you will grow even more. You are scheduled to graduate 😊 I’m so proud of you. You will be spending some time working on what you want to do. Pay attention to things that make you happy and feel fulfilled. Again, what makes YOU happy! Make goals. Be positive. Follow your dreams.
I’m so proud to be your mom. I love you sweet boy with all my heart and soul .. all the way to the moon and back. Happy 18th birthday Son ~ xoxoxoxo